Hide your daughters (or at least hide this column from your young children) because as far as Los Angeles-based comedic glam metal band Steel Panther is concerned, profanity and adopting the over-the-top personas of obnoxious horndog rockstars in service to an ironic tribute to the most-base clichés of ’80s hair bands is the pastiche they’re aiming for.
“Well, I bet you never guessed/ When you came to the show/ You’d be getting on the bus with me/ And doing some blow// Your mama’s in the parking lot/ Looking for you/ She’s gonna find you when I’m done/ All covered with goo,” lead vocalist Michael Starr sings on “Girl from Oklahoma,” which is one of the band’s tamer songs compared to “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’,” “Fat Girl (Thar She Blows),” “17 Girls in a Row,” “It Won’t Suck Itself,” and “Gangbang at the Old Folks Home.”
If you’re looking for political correctness, these ain’t your lads. In fact, according to their bio, the four members of Steel Panther “boldly plant their flag (and maybe another appendage) into the ground in the name of heavy metal,” and on their fifth album, Heavy Metal Rules, they promise that “the solos screech louder, the vocals soar higher, the drums hit harder, and the bass throbs mightier than ever before.”
“You’re going to hear something familiar, but you’re also going to hear something new,” Starr said in press materials. “We grew as musicians and as people. The core values stay the same: Heavy Metal Rules and hot chicks are fun.”
“Heavy Metal Rules is the perfect phrase to describe how we feel,” drummer Stix Zadinia explained. “It’s not just music; it’s a lifestyle. We’ve been able to create an environment for ourselves where nothing is off limits. There are no boundaries. We push it because we like to push it. In this day and age, people are open to pushing it because everything is so politically correct. We are the last bastion where you can go if you want to get your freak on. We’re the most truthful band on the fucking planet.”
These dudes are wholly committed to their shtick. As bassist Lexxi Foxx explains about their new album, “I can’t play what [lead guitarist] Satchel does, so we got a fucking bitchin’ studio musician to do the bass. The studio musician killed it. We had one of my strongest photo shoots, because I had some Botox and got my highlights done right before. I’m still staying with my mom. If this goes well, I’ll be able to get my own apartment.”
“The lead guitar is really in-your-face,” Satchel added. “We left out a lot of the rhythm guitar. It’s easier to hear the solos. They don’t suck either.”
“What [our producer] got out of the record sonically is our best,” Stix elaborated. “There are hooks all over it. It’s the perfect Steel Panther album.”
“We’re going to write about sex, drugs, and all of the bitchin’ shit from the ’80s we love,” Satchel noted. “It’s a great feeling to be in this band. We have a blast. We love each other. We’ve been through a lot together. We’ll keep on rocking until one of us breaks a hip or some shit.”
“We really do love heavy metal and performing,” Starr continued. “We’re going to fucking conquer the world the Steel Panther way. Heavy metal is coming back. Pretty soon, everyone’s going to have long hair and wear spandex.”
“Can I just say we all look fantastic as well?” Stix interrupted. “We’re doing our part to bring heavy metal to the masses. … Heavy metal rules.”
Experience Steel Panther this Saturday, Jan. 7 (8 p.m.; all ages; $44.36 with fees at seetickets.us).
Also coming up at the historic Fremont Theater is electronic dance music artist Dirt Monkey (alias of Patrick Megeath), with opening act Jantsen on their Full Circle Tour next Thursday, Jan. 12 (8 p.m.; all ages; $31.03 with fees at seetickets.us).
According to his bio, “Dirt Monkey embodies the identity of a forward-thinking electronic music artist in every sense. Cutting-edge sound design is the name of his game, proven by his constant releases that span a broad spectrum of genres. From dubstep, to house, to drum and bass, and beyond—it’s no surprise that Dirt Monkey is regarded as a producer’s producer and a fan-favorite performer in the electronic music world.”
He released his debut full-length in 2012 and has since offered plenty of singles, collaborations, remixes, and albums, and he’s appeared at several huge EDM festivals, including as Electric Zoo, Lost Lands, and Bass Canyon.
You can always count on Morro Bay’s The Siren to keep the live music flowing. This week they have the Route 66 Band on Thursday, Jan. 6 (7:30 p.m.; 21-and-older; free). These Central Coast performers are a classic rock cover-song powerhouse, playing everything from Elvis Presley to Van Morrison, from the Eagles to Creedence Clearwater Revival, from the Beatles to the Rolling Stones and more.
The cover songs keep on rolling when Michael Ahern & the Rockmakers play twice on Friday, Jan. 7 (2:30 and 8 p.m.; 21-and-older; free). Hailing from El Granada, this quintet draws from more than 50 years of rock music—everything from ’60s psychedelic rock, ’70s American and British classic rock, ’80s “big hair” music, to ’90s grunge.
“If you’re looking for a great band, look no further,” their bio reads. “Michael Ahern & the Rockmakers deliver. Our music will take you to that wonderful place where music raises your spirit. Every song performed is a hit.”
Contact Senior Staff Writer Glen Starkey at gstarkey@newtimesslo.com.
